I can't sleep. I can't. The fact that I found out about I'm a psycho about someone else's life is all around my head. I've been thinking that the past few years my happiness was all about people's opinion and comparing their lives to mine. Sometime it's a good thing to do to motivate me when I'm down and lack of confidence. But to do it all the time, no it's not a good thing to do.
I know and I try to understand that not all people will like me as who I am and gonna judge me for what I do. I just can't deal with it sometime. For example, I have this problem with a person who hated me and apparently she still hates me for what I did wrong in the past. I apologized for so many time but maybe it's hard for her to forgive me. She did ask for meeting me in the past but after I asked her again, she refused and tell me that it was all forgiven and okay now.
The thing is... I can't be like that. I still blame myself a lot and the things that I do to make me feel better is updating status about her mistakes in the past that she didn't apologize for. She did make mistakes too for telling the bad about me to her friend and made her friend confronted me on the phone, she said something bad to my family, mocked me about I was being single because I don't have a good body and no man wanted me because of it, and so on. But then I realized that I'm being bitchy about her makes me as bitchy as her. Like the fact that I'm already a bitch to myself isn't enough yet.
I told my boyfriend about this and this was his respond:
"How can you get offended when what you did was offending them all the time and they did offend you once in a while? If you offend her all the time, you're just as same as her. She didn't want to meet you and forgive you. Then what? Let's just let go and move on. Don't get overreacted by her too much. You said that you have paid your "debt" and want to leave it behind. Then why do you even bother yourself by her act? Maybe she didn't like when we're happy with our relationship when she wasn't. Let's pray that they will be as happy as we are"
Yes, I was friend with her but one day she deleted me from her contact and I felt offended because of it. I blocked her SNS account but I admit that sometime I looked over her account. She did talk about me too on her SNS and yes I got more offended. But then I understand that her act is a punishment for me. She won't ever forgive me after what so happened in the past. She will never. I'm sick of her and she's sick of me. Apparently her new boyfriend whose my friend (or I can say my ex-friend) is also hating me right now. Well, I've been sick of him from the first place so I just have to suck it up. Maybe people out there hate me too but it's better to let go and don't want to know about it.
After all, what can bother me more have to be a big deal for me. I will try harder not to overreact on some piece of cake like that shit anymore. I have great family, great friends, and great boyfriend. I'm happy for what I have and for what I work on right now. So, this might be a major movement for me too. Letting go and forgiving myself.
PS: It's all the fact. At least for myself because I can't confirm right to the person I have problem with.
PS: It's all the fact. At least for myself because I can't confirm right to the person I have problem with.
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